GOOD NEWS!!! 🎉🎉 I WILL BE STREAMING THIS WEEKEND 🎉🎉🎉
my cold is super mild, and baby is feeling at least a little better! Im not sure though if im going to stream tonight or tomorrow evening. I thinkkk tomorrow evening. If i did tonight then small human would have to go to grandmas for 5+ hours and i dont wanna do that to him if he doesnt feel good. If i stream tomorrow then Light can be with him at home. But im playing it by ear! And ill let you guys know for sure early this evening!
Either way, aiming for an 8pm stream start time ❤️
Sending a surprise in messages for everyone ❤️❤️❤️
So be sure to check your messages!
I know i havent gotten back to everyone the past week and a half, ive been constantly overwhelmed by parenting. And now this weekend baby got sick, so thats been on another level. Come today, i find out hes already teething 🤪 annnndddd to top it off im sick now too! Im running on no sleep cuz my anxiety has been terrible with me thinking my small human is going to randomly stop breathing becasue hes congested. So im doing my best ❤️ and im keeping ALLL MY APPENDAGES CROSSED THAT ILL BE ONLINE FRIDAY JESUS CHRIST I NEED THIS SO MUCH ITS ALL I WANT I JUST WANNA STREAM LET SMALL HUMAN BE GOOD AND HEALTHY SO MAMA CAN STREEEAAMMMMMMM
that is all 😌
Happy monday!
I got to celebrate yesterday becasue my internet came back on!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉 but it was only very briefly because my small human had a very hard day yesterday. Our morning was full of tears and him just having a hard time in general. Then later in the evening he started coughing and has been congested. So poor thing has his first cold 🥺
Ive never had more anxiety in my life! Im basically just hovering making sure hes breathing now. So dont mind me, ill just be staring at my small human, not blinking, until he feels better 👁👁
Also yes im posting this at 6am becasue hes asleep on me in the rocker, so he can be upright and not as congested 😪
On another note... my internet has screwed me this weekend ☹️ we shall try for stream tomorrow! Aka sunday night, if not then i guess raincheck for this next friday? (The news totally doesnt fit the picture lol)
Would anyone be interested in an album of a SHIT TON of photos from 2018?
Throwback nudes and throwback cam pics to when i first started camming, pre-mom, pre-pregnancy and just pre everything lol i was tiny
Happy friday!!!! 🎉🎉🎉
Its supposed to be strem day, but unfortunately my internet is still out 😭 its been out since Wednesday afternoon! We had a huge storm and it knocked down trees and left a bunch if people without power. Luckily we have power! But no internet... so no break for me tonight it's looking like 😪 if the internet is back tomorrow i shall stream tomorrow evening instead though! Or possibly sunday if its back then too lol ill keep everyone updated but im super fucking bummed its not up today 🙃
Also... one more update... my internet is currently down and has been since yesterday afternoon
We had a storm and it fucked it up! So fingers crossed its back for tomorrow evenings stream! I dont see why it wouldnt be but just in case, letting you guys know!
Quick real life update :
Motherhood has been hard this week! I mean its always hard but this week has been a hard one. Baby has decided to not sleep at night very much. Hes only been sleeping 6-7 hours at night and still wakes up to eat in the middle of all that. And to make it even better, ive had some insomnia this week and havent even been able to sleep while hes sleeping sometimes. I think for me, it was the weekend that took me out. I have baby all week becasue of everyone elses work schedules. But i had baby all weekend this weekend too, so i think im just exhausted. And my glasses broke last week so ive been BLIND. like blindly walking around and i feel that my eyes are strained and im sure thats making me more tired! I would have a reason for baby not sleeping .... but im not sure whats going on there lol just baby things i suppose. But its been a hard week and i have not gotten a chance to get back to everyones messages. Giving myself some grace and not going to be mad at myself! Motherhood is a ride, and its got ups and downs. This week was hard. But last week was easy! So maybe next week ill be able to get a TON of work done! Who knows. Either way, im still streaming tomorrow! But just wanted to explain why i havent gotten to all the messages, ive only managed a few here and there
Im sorry i havent gotten to messages the past 2 days! I wanted to get to them RIGHT AFTER STREAM!!!!!!!
Usually i have extra time on the weekends, but this weekend was my first weekend taking care of small human by myself for then entirety of the weekend. So this is the first few minutes ive had, while im posting this now lol
I shall have more time tomorrow!!!!!!! Heres to hopefully getting more then 5 minutes to myself tomorrow and being able to reply to everyone before stream on friday! 🎉 hope you all have a great weekend btw ❤️❤️
Feeling like myself more and more every single day ❤️
The fact that i get to be a mom AND still feel like me?!??!! Thats amazing 😄✨️🎉🎉🎉
Im thrilled, and even more thrilled i get to share myself live with you all again!
Ps staring at my butthole and pussy with you all was lovely lol i missed it
Stream was AMAZING HOLY FUCKING SHIT
im so so glad i got to see you all 😭❤️❤️❤️
I missed you all so fucking much, i feel like a big piece of my soul came back getting back to streaming.
Also... i didnt forget how to twerk lol im excited to shake my ass more 😎
Did i mention how excited i am to come back to stream????
CUZ HOLY FUCK IM SO EXCITED FOR STREAM, MY BOOBS ARE LEAKING JUST THINKING ABOUT!!!!!
ps, yes my titties leak whenever im stoked or happy. Oxytocin makes your boobs leak, who knew! 😂
Throwback to 2 years ago to the date! Took some lovely post valentines day pics 👀❤️
And i didnt share all of them? So expect to see some more throwbacks lol
A quick heads up! Im working through all my messages, im hoping i can get back to you all before friday when i stream!!!!! But just letting you guys know im working through them 😊❤️
And i cant say how nice its been to chat with you all again, it makes me so pumped for stream!!!!
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!!!!!!! Last valentines day was a freaking PARTY ❤️🎉🎉
And the right kind of party too, this was just a small snippet of how much fun stream was that day
(theres a full 25 min version of this that was messaged to you if you wanna see more of it)
I cant wait to see what fridays stream has in store for us 🎉😄😉
Also hi to everyone who subbed yesterday!!!!! New or old, so welcome and also welcome back!!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉
Back to daily posts! And back to stream friday 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Todays thoughts :
I have been thinking a lot about how different life is now. How being a parent and stepping into motherhood feels like an entirely different life. I feel like its a different timeline, but ive also never felt more comfortable or at home in the life im living.
I always thought i could only have my job (streaming) living a single life. Really just worrying about myself, not being selfish but just not being in a relationship or having a family. Then i got in an open accepting relationship that allowed me to still have my job and work the same as i had been. And now, ive made a family and I still have this job. Streaming has always lit up my soul in such a special way. Sharing myself sexually and making genuine connections with you all is literally my favorite thing and feels like such a huge part of who i am. And now adding motherhood into that mix, I always thought i had to pick one or the other. But i think i may be able to have my cake and eat it too. I think i can have both. I think if i let myself, i just might be the most happy I've ever been.
Anxiety set aside, if i can work through that and let myself appreciate everything as it is, i literally have all the things my soul has craved my entire existence. I spend a lot of time thinking "things csnt possibly be this good". Ive thought it about stream frequently, life, relationships, all of it. Im not sure if i dont think i deserve it or if i think im unlucky, or that it stems from some kind of trauma. But im always waiting for "the thing thatll ruin it all" to come. And if i shove that anxiety aside, if i let myself be happy i really think this will be, and actually currently is, the most happy ive been. And im so excited to share the contentedness with you guys.
The thing giving me comfort today, is that i feel like a more confident comfortable version of myself. But i still frequently think back to my old self and miss pieces of her. Mostly physical. But the thing that makes me comfortable today is that my small human only knows me now. They didnt know the "before becoming a mom" me. They know me now. And they think im perfect the way i am. Even if i havent had a chance to brush my teeth today, and havent washed my hair in a few days, and have more stretch marks then before. He smiles at me like im the sun. And i think hes the dang sun. And if that give and take relationship can exist, then how could we not be perfect the way we are right now?
I feel that its just so grounding to think that most small children dont see their parents flaws, and they think youre quite literally perfect how you are in this moment. I think its the lack of judgement that grounds me and brings me comfort. We learn judgement, its not innate. Were not born with it. So hopefully self judgement is something i can unlearn as well, i hope you guys can too. Even if you dont have a small human helping you ground yourself, just know there are people outside of you who think you are absolutely perfect the way you are.
So why should you not feel that way about yourself?
Take a second to appreciate yourself today, to appreciate where you are in this moment. And try to let yourself be happy for a bit. I promise you deserve it ❤️
