* rant * i wrote out this whole long paragraph to realize i..

* rant *

i wrote out this whole long paragraph to realize it made no sense, and i was beating around the bush of how i felt. i feel like a joke, a fucking joke. and nothing more or less than that, i have no idea why i allow people to have an emotional hold over me, and allow it for so long. the last relationship i had honestly made me so turned off to trusting someone with my love and affection again, im not letting anyone in. and it hurts so much because i want to be loved and happy but i cant be because i know im a crazy person when it comes to realtionships, (in case you havent realized, i have lots of PTSD from relationships/men ;) go me). its not fair to me or anyone else to be in a relationship like that, and anyone who says they want to do that for me, i cannot believe. im so fucking scared of being hurt again and allowing someone to have that hold over me. but ive known that, ive known that for years. so going back to feeling like a joke, what was SO terrible about me in my past relationship? (in my exs eyes) was that i was a sex worker, and wanted to go back to sex work. i can 100% understand not wanting to be with someone with onlyfans, but come to find out dude made one too. get your bag, but like big ass hypocrite type moves to make one and inform me about it lololol. and going even further, the same ex who LITERALLY hated that i hula hooped and used it as a therapy and to enjoy all kinds of music, has just now followed my flow insta account and liking vids from there. when when we were dating he used that against me in arguments..he really wants a response or to be seen, or attention or whatever..and i obviously still care/am affected because im writing about it now but thats just who i am as a person. i will literally always care about the people ive had in my life like that. idk, just a lot has felt like its been adding up again and writing it out helps so thank you for listening and reading. i always appreciate that, and any support. shit is honestly just feeling extremely hard to go through rn and it feels like my ex is trying to tilt me hardcore on top of everything else

*edit*
im reading through all these messages and i really fucking appreciate all of you and what you do for me, i appreciate all of you reaching out to me and offering me kind words and emotional support. i dont deserve you guys, thank you