Hello my dearest Everything I write here is a secret 🤫 So ..

Hello my dearest Everything I write here is a secret 🤫 So don’t tell anybody or write it on Instagram or somewhere else 🙏🤐 I thank you all for the kind messages last days and I can really say I make more and more peace with that fact which makes me indescribably sad for a long time now ❤️ And I think you all know, here I feel more free than anywhere on the internet, so I try to go a little more into detail here. It's interesting so often in my life the greatest joys but also sorrows are very close. Because you all know right now I actually have so many reasons just to be happy. But somehow also the opposite because of a mostly one major fact (and even I try to focus on the good, it’s not possible all the time) You know Dennis and I have made some very important and life changing decisions and of course they are becoming more and more real... all the decisions are made out of joy and love and yet we completely forgot to pay attention to the inner changes and what can it brings with it in the environment. Especially in my case this is often more serious than with neurotypical people... which is of course not only hard for me but also for out relationship. I had and wanted the last few weeks (or even months) very consciously and slowly in a certain way to take down my mask, so Dennis gets to know me a little differently as well as many of my environment... which of course not only m€€ts with approval... because I'm just like on my Instagram for almost all people in my environment the "strong", that one which always has a piece of advice and especially the one who always tries to make everything possible and really tries to support all in their dreams... I have even tended to always blame myself especially when someone has hurt me. I always tried to find the “mistake” in me and my autism.. like “I know I can be to much. It’s okay that someone leave me alone in a meltdown and just wants to be nice to me when I’m masking” but of course I was always there for their problems and mentally breakdowns. no matter how close these people are to me. But no one can only give and you know I don't have many real close friends ... the harder it is to have lost one of them as it seems now ... and that because of the probably most beautiful and important decision in my life. I'm now I'm in my last year of my 20s and so it came that I have thought a lot and something big for me or Dennis and I have decided. We can imagine to become parents of a biological baby. Therefore I must learn now not only to give and take down my mask somehow a little bit, otherwise that would become too heavy... however now I had to hear, that if that would be the case, one of my best friend would not have a strength to continue this for me over years so important friendship. Because there would be no time from the other side to visit me and keep in touch with me... our friendship only worked so well for the other person because I was a customer... and just I was always there, running and being by their side in mental stress situations, no matter if it was a mental breakdown or a breakup, a new apartment or money problems.... I was always there, for years, helping to build a career and also really helping a lot with personal development. But for example both times where I had an overload in this serval years in the friendship, I was left alone because it was too "heavy" for the person... and I also tried to understand that, because I have understanding for tender souls as well as for the fact that my autism is too much for someone in a difficult situation and a lot of people struggle with mental health problems. But this rejection and now even being ignored for over a month is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Just because I want to start a family to hear my (thought) best friend has no time to visit me, no time to call when it's just not about them , their problems or their work is just so heartbreaking.... nevertheless I have tried everything, because even I always need to have empathy, know many women want a family but can not or dare not but because of that and your own envy or mental health problems, to ignore one of your best friends, that I will never understand. And so the last few weeks have been so hard, it was also the reason why I flew to Mareike to Berlin, because just I felt so empty and like everything had been taken from me just because I’m happy and become more and more aware of myself, my life and my health... because this person was for years my number one... I would have preferred her even before Dennis, given her my last cent and no matter when, where or why always run... try to protect her and thought if I will ever become a mother she will be the godmother of my baby but now just get written, she can lead contact with me if it does not come from me, I visit her regularly and I need to understand her problems, how she is mentally and that she has no time accept for her family beside work (I even thought I’m a part of that family for years) is just heartbreaking... I even asked how she imagines to continue the friendship, but for weeks (1,5 months) I am ignored and get no answer. And than a quick sentence, she don’t have the strength to answer 🥺 is just not understandable for me and I feel so sad. Thus I had to mentally work on me and understand that’s no real friendship in the last days. I was simply exploited for years for her own needs. Even if it really broke me, to realize that my dearest person accepted me only with a mask and as long as I did everything to speak her language and support and help her physically, business related and especially mentally. I know now, I needed to focus on the love for my life, Dennis, true friends and especially of the belief in a family and our hopefully future healthy baby. And now I hope of course you all trustworthy but also joyful the information with me and also are excited what all comes to Dennis, me but with this also for you ... because of course I always want to be authentic here and let you be part of everything 👉👈 which has also led to how hard it was the last week. . because I would have to tell you immediately that I was left by one of my most important people, just because I want to change my life a little... but I wanted to wait time and see if the person has perhaps only reacted in the short term like this. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case....and to not can be open to all of you and about my life out of respect from others disturbs me somehow every time.. because to be honest and transparent is one of my biggest joy here.. ❤️ I love you all ❣️