WHY I STARTED AN ONLYFANS WELL, FOLKS… I’ve always said “I ..

WHY I STARTED AN ONLYFANS WELL, FOLKS… I’ve always said “I don’t have an OnlyFans, but check back if the markets tank” and I think it’s safe to say we’re here. Given the way my body is designed, I will most likely age like a Basset Hound; Therefore, the time to capitalize on these bad boys is now. I am also looking to finance my tuition for NASA Adult Space Camp… After witnessing the uptick of extreme weather, inept political leaders and lunacy displayed by the general population, I have begun looking at real estate on the moon. Once I have the funds and training, I’ll just need to convince Jeff Bezos/Elon Musk/ China that my humor, excellent organizational skills and vast knowledge of science* (having watched every episode of The Joe Rogan Experience and The X Files) will all be of great use in the New World. My motivations are not solely economic; As some of you know, I spent the first 25 years of life looking like the female version of Hagrid from Harry Potter. In recent times, my aesthetic has improved considerably and I’m determined to enjoy it as much as humanly possible before the aforementioned “Basset Hound effect” kicks in. While I enjoy showing off my body, Mark Zuckerberg does not. Instagram’s Community Guidelines have become increasingly Draconian, compelling me (and my contemporaries: Kanye West & Donald Trump) to make a name for ourselves on other platforms... Alas, here I am. I would like to make it clear that this is not a porn account; it’s more like my own self-produced digital Playboy magazine. There will be semi-nude pay-per-view photos and there will also be free articles (for those of you who follow me for my intellect/ wit/ winning personality). Please don’t waste your time or money sliding into my DMs and asking for a Hustler-esque picture of my labia or for a video of me masturbating (*I prefer to do that off-camera, in the privacy of my own home and preferably after a large meal, as Christ intended). BUT, do slide into my DMs if you want to talk, suggest a theme for the photos or have any questions for me. I also offer consulting services on a wide variety of topics, including, but not limited to: sex/dating, personal finance, astrology, life, etc. Anyways, here goes nothing… xxxo, Bri