I took the time today to write some pretty raw real emotions..

I took the time today to write some pretty raw real emotions. I can not say I haven't been hesitant to post here, as I am still grappling with fusing my identity as a sex worker and creative human bean lol. I will not be posting all of what has been written here, but will leave a sample for you all and if interested in the full length, feel free to message me. I am taking small donations for my personal perspectives and thoughts & reflections ! be kind to me, these writings are some of my more personal thoughts and feelings, and I am being actually quite vulnerable by sharing. "I am not excempt from the external and internal ruckus this world has wrought on me. I am constantly thinking of ways that my choices the ones i didnt make and the ones i do have affected me, and how i can sit with it, recognize it, and begin to create a new story, a new pattern. It is not always pretty. Today was a perfect example. I did all my tasks, got to meditate and do yoga, but the one thing i sometimes forget about that experience is that when sitting with yourself, you really begin to uproot the things you have pushed down to SURVIVE. You begin to question, “how am i actually doing ? what am i doing here ? what is the point ? am i even really ok ? what kind of fucking illusion is this that i forgot that this is how im ACTUALLY feeling ? holy shit im actually in a MASSIVE amount of emotional mental and physical pain and fatigue ! ” Emotions flood in, my mind begins to rush and i generally begin to have anxiety, and my anxiety usually leads to crying and pacing. I grappled with the concept that i even had the nerve to cry ! I was ok ? Generally happy ? Healthy dare i say ? I wasnt starving, i wasn’t homeless, but something was aching clearly, and it was coming up and sitting in my throat like food i just couldn’t seem to swallow because i was just too full, and just couldnt get down. I new that lump would not dissapate for the remainder of the day, and that i would probably feel triggered by small thoughts, and continue to feel as though tears would come. This part was the worst. The uprooting, the purge."